Before and After (What I Learned)

Sometimes, I think I’m right where I should be, so someone tell me why  I’m always wrong though,

Late at night, I get those thoughts about the future, but the answers usually sound like “I don’t know.”

There’s no love lost between people I’ve lost, but maybe in the next lifetime they can stick around.

Thank you to all the people that push me back on my feet, because sometimes I don’t even notice when I’m falling down.

You want to hear “Fuck you” to the kids in 11th grade that didn’t let me into the parties they were drinking at, right?

No hate to them, since it was all so long ago, man I can’t even talk about what happened last night.

I needed someone to knock me out at the bus stop everyday, but damn it, I was barely even fourteen.

Go and try to take this all from me now, you know damn well that I would get it back by any means.

I heard someone say that I never struggled, man, that’s one ignorant statement.

I moved over six times before I turned ten, because we had to avoid seeing bill payments.

Mom needed some surgeries, but there was never insurance for any type of medic.

Don’t act sympathetic, because if my parents can’t finance a home, why would I expect any credit?

Just because we’re all different, it doesn’t mean I don’t understand where the struggles are.

Some of us ride the struggle bus, but I feel like we got the keys to drive that struggle car.

There’s women I want to discuss and call up and I even thought I found my dream girl, but I’m blessed that I woke up.

Nowadays I don’t care about Jen Shaheen like back in 10th gradem because I got other girls that’ll probably show up.

Thank you to the girls that called me ugly, the friends that left me, and the people that said I won’t do it.

I’m in bed with a ten and she’s telling my best friends about how those people back then must feel stupid.

Thank you to Jeremy for beating me up everyday and Chris for making fun of my race, because it helped me build up confidence.

Last week, Jeremy came up to my school and asked to be in a vlog, so there’s your acknowledgement.

I’m not saying that for bravado, I just want to reassure you, you can always pull it together.

This isn’t me saying girls are evil or my life is so bad because I just want to point out that it does really get better.

I used to let it go too far, but when I wrote it down, shit, God bless that pen and that page.

I went to New York City, I saw crowds watch me put my soul and heart on a lit stage.

It takes time, like, I liked Chloe as a freshman, it took me three years just to get her.

Just take the negatives they give you, and shake it all off like “whatever.”

I’m just trying to lead by example and I know I haven’t made it yet, but it used to be a lot harder to wake up with a smile, like way worse.

You can hate me for whatever reason you want, but I have a story to tell, and you better learn it first.

So do it for the money, for yourself, for the glory.

Remember that with a before, there’s always an after to your story.

Dear, Jenny

Dear Jenny,

You told me write a letter when I felt like I was missing someone close.

Nowadays, late at night, I always really miss you the most.

I’ve been thinking about you before I go to bed.

I can hear your voice travel through my head.

Last night, I finally saw you when I closed my eyes.

I miss all of the good times you left behind.

I miss all of the sweet words you use to say.

This letter is to let you know that I’ll be okay.

Your smile lit up all the darkness I ever saw.

I wish you were here to answer all of my calls.

You should have told me everything you were going through.

I would have done every and anything just to help you.

I should have been there to stop and yell at all those kids.

I didn’t know the pain behind your laugh and how fragile it actually is.

That was the past and now look where we are.

You always believed in me, and thought I could be a star.

I wish you could see me now, and all the things that I do.

Actually, every night, I wish I could see you too.

I look up at the clouds

and

see all of the fun we found.

Will my angel help me decide the right path to choose?

One day, I pray, I’ll live in the sky with you.

Dear, Jenny

Rest in Peace

Written with all my love,

From me.

My Ballerina

My ballerina dances with the Devil

She’s living how the models live

She feels empty on the inside,

but never as empty as the bottle is

 

Chasers broke her heart,

so she drinks it all straight

Lines for the bathroom for a line in the bathroom,

please, baby, just be safe

 

My ballerina dances with the devil

She forgets who her mother raised

Left it all behind,

but she was gone before that day

 

Rolling and dancing,

but on the inside she cries

Her eyes drop and the clock stops,

so why even check the times

 

My ballerina dances with the Devil,

where is she tonight?

She tells me she feels down,

so she has to get high

 

It’s getting hard to hear

or is it hard to speak

Her mind starts to float,

who will sweep her off her feet

 

My ballerina dances with the Devil,

I can see her scream and yell

The Devil took my ballerina,

but I don’t want to go to Hell

 

My ballerina dances with me

This nectar tastes so sweet

We cry and we dance,

I swept her off her feet

 

My ballerina dances with now;

she’s addicted to my drug

I’m addicted to the pinks and purples,

and I love her touch

 

How the Hell did I get here?

How the Hell did we her?

The Monster

Her name was scripture

I watched her wander in the night

She searched for something she did not believe in

 

The moonlight shone so bright

It lit a path she would not take

Her road had to be different today

 

Under the breeze, her feet shuffled

She quickened her pace

The eyeliner was the only thing that ran

 

The Monster needs the night to live.

The stars show him the world for what it is.

 

The Monster felt her destiny

They met under the desolate sky

They were the infinity we think we deserve

 

I say the scripture as I see her

The words mixed in with the wind

It took the words away from me

 

In times like this, I fall

I tumble and tumble until I end in a familiar place

I run and fall from the monster that takes me at night

 

We become the monster until the sun reaches the top and he hides again.

When we see the moon, we are the monster’s only friend.